Politics

Breaking: Cruz Campaign are Closet Porn Addicts

Ted Cruz and his campaign have proven – once and for all – how closet-creepy they truly are. Probably after an afternoon Bible reading, they “discovered” that one of the actresses in their recent ad was a former 90’s soft-core pornstar, Amy Lindsay. They pulled the ad, which I’ve posted above. If you want to get caught up, mix in a porn website search. It won’t take more than 30 seconds. RRRRRRRAHHHHHHH! But seriously… citing primary sources is important.

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Bottom line: she was a soft-core porn actress on Skin-emax, bro. It’s not like she was doing hardcore “butt-stuff.” AM I RIGHT???

There are two types of bros in the world:

1) Bros that watch porn, and,

2) Liars.

Listen fellas: regardless of how long you’ve been in a relationship, the average dude can tell you who the top 10 “trending” pornstars are on Pornhub, RedTube, etc. If you’re thinking, “Yeah right dude, I get so much sex I never watch porn,” that would make you a false alpha, gamma-male and a liar. At a minimum, you could absolutely pick them out in a police line-up.

If you’re a dude in your early 30s like me, you can probably list some of the retro stars when you were watching through the “squiggles,” when you turned the TV to Channel 2 and put the cable box to Channel 42. That’s right. In our early teenage years, we watched porn the same way you watched Mike Tyson bite Hollyfield’s ear off – illegally and squinting harder than Kim Jong-un driving straight into the sun. I’m totally kidding. He doesn’t drive.

Okay – I got off track a little…

The point is, this woman was a soft-core porn actress from the early 90s. How much porn did the Cruz Campaign have to watch to find out that she was a pornstar? Seriously. Think about that…

Some creepy old guy in the campaign had to be like, “I thought I’d bring something potentially embarrassing to your attention. I was casually searching YouJizz, under the Softcore Retro Category, yesterday. They typically have better character development and a more coherent plot. I couldn’t help but notice that the wholesome woman we cast in this particular role happened to be riding another gentleman like American Pharaoh. It was a pretty ferocious pace.”

I think it’s more than likely that this political nerd had a Skin-emax soft-core porn VHS collection from 1994 including Deviant WhoresKinky Sex ClubExposed and Milf  – all Amy Lindsay classics. You’re welcome…

The moral of the story: This is another example of when Conservatives and Republicans lose respect from “middle of the road” people. Acting like you’re against pornography, while secretly rubbing one out to obscure soft-core skin-emax films is the height of hypocrisy.

 

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