Do you believe in miracles, folks? Yeah, that's God damn right. The US Men's Curling Team took home a Gold medal for the first time ever in the Winter Olympics and mustachio bashioed Sweden to do it. Go back to making shitty 'assemble yourself' furniture, guys! If this USA team and this Olympics had a mascot to represent them, it's this collection of faux athletes with their beer and nachos dad bods. Matt Hamilton may be the only Hamilton I actually care about. Please no one ever talk about that Broadway play to me one more time.
Now to the naked eye, this event doesn't even seem to qualify as a real sport. I mean if anything you think Mexico would be really good at this between all the sweeping and trying to not get kicked out of a territory. But apparently, it's so difficult that the Russian athletes still allowed to compete, whose country was already banned, had to take PEDs just to sweep extra fast without fatigue to win anything in the other curling events. Then you got caught. Again. Sheesh. The KGB will not be pleased.
Seriously, this is not a joke, it takes real skill. Sure, these dudes look like NARPs and their offseason workouts is made up curling of the 12 ounce kind but watch one of the matches. It's shuffleboard on steroids (whoops, sorry Russia, pun intended). There's a whole fucking strategy of chess going on to place all the 'stones' (those are the kettle looking things they're effortlessly sliding into perfect positions). I watched a match at a Salt Lake City airport bar and you would have thought it was the final game of the Stanley Cup happening. Granted if you drink beer and put money on it, anything is interesting (see horse racing). Man, those Mormons like to gamble when they're not Netflix and chilling with their 5 sister wives.
It's also a glorified game of bocce or knockout. Yes, you can send your stone into any others in the target area circles and bump them to hell. Add drinking and this would be a killer game to have at bars. Oh yeah, alcohol plus trying to move on ice. EVEN BETTER. That is probably a gold mine for Snapchat.
In that case, Italians should also be good at this but probably too much bickering and talking with their hands to focus. Italian ice is good though. Sorry, I am hungry writing this.
What was training like this for them growing up? While we all went to Little League were they just really good at chores around the house between using a broom, mopping and sliding the cat across the smooth floor. "I swept the shit out of that linoleum, Mom!" When we all got the new bats for spring ball, they were being gifted the new Swiffer Jet. "Thanks Mom and Dad! I'm going to run a train on the floors every Saturday morning!" Their coaches were janitors. Maybe? Were these all the kids from hockey that couldn't skate?
The Babe Ruth of Curling
Honestly, soak it all in, guys. You won't be relevant for another four years. The Winter Olympics are only tolerated because football and baseball are not on, you hit right when the NBA All Star break happens, most other network television blows, and you're still second to hockey. So enjoy it. Really. Hopefully, Landfill and the couchletes go order a couple liters of cola, smoke some stogies and slide their stones into some DMs. Sweep I mean swipe right. We salute you, men. And we love you even more for not letting Canada win gold. We love beating Canada because this and hockey are all they have. And they lost in both! Ha! Sorrey! Nothing a couple two tree Labatt Blues can't fix, eh, am I right? Ah dontchya know? Matty Hamilton does.
Andre The Giant is an ALPHA in every sense of the way. He's most well known for his incredible size and his tendency to unload savage farts on his opponents mid-match. Andre wouldn't just beat you, he would take your soul and then some, kinda like Thrilly Dilly taking some suck-bag to dead center who had the audacity and disrespect to leave a flat 85 MPH fastball over the plate.
To paint a picture of the giant's soul taking, Andre was known to crush 100+ beers and eat the amount of food that would send those My 600lb Life people into a jealous rage. He would then take his opponent and shove his Honda Civic size ass into their face and let one rip. Savage? ... Absolutely! Awesome? As long as it ain't me, brother!
On April 10th, two days after this year's WrestleMania, HBO will air one of the most highly anticipated documentaries in a while. Am I biased? ... OH HELL YEAH! ... but seriously, it is. Andre The Giant is as close to a mythical creature we've come as a human race, especially since other than the Kardashians and Joy Behar, we don't have proof of Aliens. Rumored to be around 7'4 and 500lbs, he stole each and every room he ever walked into. The man dealt with fame, fortune and a ton of pain. You think you need the aisle row in a airplane? Relax, dude ... you're not even as big as Thrilly Dilly during his Dino Bravo phase. The stories of him are endless, but the ones that interest me are those that earned him the nickname, The Boss. You wanna talk about ABSOLUTE SAVAGES? Well, Andre The Giant was an OG, and no one was his equal. Here are some savage TAKES and FACTS (or whatever Hulk Hogan said at the time) for the 8th Wonder of the World!
It's rumored he drank 165 beers in a single sitting and it would take 2 bottles of vodka for him to feel a buzz. So basically, that's his pregame. Could you imagine if Vince McMahon had Andre tour colleges today? Just show up as a guest bartender, close the place down, take every Sorority chick home and then plug his match against Hogan at Mania? Injections of Genetic Hormonal Imbalance for EVERYYYBOODDYYY, RAAHHH!
People think the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania is impressive, well, Andre went UNDEFEATED for 15 years. Kind of crazy that he got THAT OVER while having approximately ZERO 6 Star Matches in Japan according to Dave Melzter. HOW DID HE EVER DRAW A DIME?!?!?!
As alluded to before, he would fart on his opponents in the ring. This is by far my favorite fact about Andre. There is no greater display of male dominance than to blow flatulence in another person's face while they're incapable of moving. My Father always said, if you meet a woman who stays with you after you fart under the covers, marry her. It's true. I eat a ton of broccoli and my marriage is as strong as ever.
There's this classic story told by The Million Dollar Man, where Andre and the boys were in Japan in a crowded elevator. Andre had given the boys a heads up that "something was going to happen." Andre proceeded to drop like a 30 second fart that seemed to have gone on forever. DiBase said that some poor dude came up to about Andre's hip in height, so the giant's monster Rikishi size ass was directly in this dude's face. He he had to have died right?
Hogan would tell stories about how Andre would just sit on him and let one rip. He'd hear and smell the giant's big surprise which was also followed by the bellowing laugh of a friendly, but smelly giant. Andre was so impressed with Hogan that he let him slam him at the Pontiac Silverdome, BROTHER AND HULKAMANIA RAN WILD FOREVERRRRR (or at least until you get caught on film banging your friend's wife and dropping some not so PC vernacular).
If he didn't like you, you were fucked. Plain and simple, if you were on Andre's bad side, that's a wrap on your career. Ultimate Warrior, who was a lunatic in his own right, used to buy Andre a bottle of wine for every show he worked with him. Kinda sound strategy if you think about it. It's like trying to buy a hot chick a drink at a bar. You can't just expect them to work with you right? Gotta give a little.
Below is the trailer. HBO does this shit so good. Close second to WWF Attitude Era packages ...