Spring is upon us which means that corporate softball will be taking on a life of its own at a ferocious pace. Cube monkeys around the land will head over to their local sporting goods store and purchase sub par equipment to make them feel like a star with the only problem being that they've been crushing frappacinos from Starbucks twice a day, each day for the last 5 years of their NARP (Non Athletic Regular Person) life. In fact, the only physical activity they've been getting over that 5 years has probably been a speed walk to a conference room or right clicking their mouse, so who knows how bad it's gonna be when they're rounding first trying to stretch a two-bagger.
I actually have my first softball game today with my company and I gotta say, I'm a little nervous ... not because I might suck, I won't, I'm really good, but I'm afraid my team (again, not me), might suck. I don't know any of these people, but I could tell by our first team meeting that aesthetically I was the alpha of the group. Ya see, at this point, I'm crushing the gym (and crossfit, sorry Thrilly) like a savage 5-6 days a week, so I'm built to go despite not swinging a bat since Spring 2016. Now, while I'm thrilled to be the best (by default), I'm also worried that I might be getting served up to another company comprised of a bunch of keyboard hardos just dying to put a hurting on some 9-5 working ass.
Another aspect of why people living that cube life get all jacked up for corporate softball is because it brings them back to their glory days. Now, while I'm not a D3 Legend like my fellow savages at AbsoluteSavage.com, I did play for one of the best High Schools in the Nation, which was ranked number 10 overall (Yes, in America) my Junior year. Did I get playing time, hell no, I was 3rd string, but you get the point ... I'm competitive (and again, I don't suck). I understand what it takes to win and I do not like losing at anything, whether it's a City Championship or softball at Central Park. I want to dominate and take the other team's soul LIKE AN ABSOLUTE SAVAGE! Not ONLY do I want to bury you in Insertion Orders and Integrations, but I also want to put on a Thrillride type lazer show that'll have you sending me your resume in the morning. YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, PUPPET!
I also enjoy watching people who take the game way more seriously than I do. There's nothing better than seeing the guy pimpin' it to the plate wearing a shin guard for slow pitch softball. He's definitely taking the first pitch and screaming at his teammates when they swing at ball 4, 100%. I also wouldn't be surprised if he packs a lip, although considering this is corporate league, you might want to switch it up for some big league chew so HR doesn't come knocking on your door like it's three's company.
Another important piece is feeling up who wants to win and who doesn't give a shit on your team. You have the group that's "Oh! Softball, this will be a great way to network and have fun with co-workers", then you have the other group, which is "I'm playing Shortstop, hitting 3rd and that's the end of this fucking conversation .. sound good?". It's important that you know this because as the season goes on you'll start to figure out who's in it for the long haul. This information is critical because there is NOTHING worse than being on a bad corporate softball team. I mean, imagine commuting to work, working your ass off for 8-9 hours, then traveling to an abandoned field and getting the mercy rule invoked before your 3rd at bat? Fuck ... that ... shit.
HOWEVER, being on an awesome corporate softball team, now that's what I'm talking about. Punishing opposing 9-5ers makes you feel like a real Alpha, especially considering you know you're both relatively at the same place in your life, so there's really no excuse, it's just survival of the fittest. It's not my fault that you got all jacked up taking a 2-0 lead after the top half of the 1st only for my squad to drop a 12 spot in the bottom. That's on YOU, pal ... and guess what, we ain't gonna stop until the sun goes down and the Umpire declares it unsafe to play due to limited visibility. If there's sunlight, the pain cometh.
Here's some advice to first timers ...
Be the alpha of your team. That means you make sure everyone is ready to play and that you have enough girls to avoid automatic outs in your lineup. Listen, some girls can crush it, especially if you're lucky enough to have a division 1 softball player at your company, both those are rare. The first thing you need to do in the morning is to find out if you have enough girls for the minimum, after that, it's just pre-workout and convincing your co-workers to leave early despite their inboxes and career being on the line so you can properly warm up.
Another tip is to locate the Happy Hour drink spots BEFORE you leave. Have that shit locked up and organized before you go to the game. People will be more inclined to show up and naturally be in a better mood if they know they're about to crush a few brewskis on the company dime. And hey, you might even meet the love of your life while throwing back some suds ... or just have a good time and go into work hungover the next morning. BAGEL FRIDAY .. YUP! ... CREAM CHEESE! ... YUP! ... ALL THE STARCHES! MmmmmPOW!!!
AND FINALLY, Take it seriously, but NOT too seriously. I was half joking when I said I take it seriously, because what I really meant was "just don't be an asshole". This means don't argue with the umpire (UNLESS HE FUCKED UP), don't get mad at your teammates, don't start cursing like a sailor and DEFINITELY don't get all hot and bothered if an opposing player shows you up. This is softball, where bat flips and showboating is required to maximize fun and make sure you're the talk of the office the next day. Why? .. because there's nothing better than going 4-4 with 2 homers and 6 RBIs then coming into the office the next day with the ladies chatting in the kitchen about how much a stone cold stud you are .... OHHHH YEEEEAAA!! LET'S GO!!
Follow me on Twitter @itsTheVacation and Instagram @vacation_absolutesavage.com