"Ughhh where did the weekend go?" - NARP (Non-Athletic Regular Person)
You know who I'm talking about. It's Monday morning and you get on a crowded elevator with the mindset of attacking the week at a ferocious pace only to have your savage outlook distracted by some suckbag who think it's funny to project his own misery upon total strangers.
We get it, pal. It's Monday, the beginning of the work week, but spare me this nonsense that we all are collectively as miserable as you. I'm sorry you got up at 8AM this morning and you think that's early. You think you're being responsible and productive. That's cute. Well, I've got news for you, dude ... I was up at 5:45AM on my way to the gym to crush my back like Thrilly Dilly did in his latest masterpiece. I'm high on life with natural energy (+ the pre-workout I consumed and other stuff) and ready to take my week from average to ABSOLUTE SAVAGE. It's about mindset. Just because it's not your dream job, doesn't mean you have to pretend that the world is coming to an end because you've got 5 days of inbox and conference call fury ahead of you.
So for all you people out there who can't stand these buffoons that look like they microwave the majority of their meals, feel free to execute these 3 simple steps to tame this Monday morning clown ...
1. Exude charisma. By this I mean make sure that you're pimpin' it with buff swag. For example, what I normally do is play WWF theme songs to kick start my commute. Ya see, people can feel the energy through the vibe you're giving off. Maybe even give a little head boppin' so they know that you're listening to Triple H's theme song, "IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!!!". This way, the clown with his predetermined joke prepared won't have the cajones to drop it between floors 1 and 9 because he'll know that he'll be outed as the Beta male under-acheiver of this morning's commute.
2. Rock shades. I don't care if it's 34 degrees with mist, make sure you're rocking shades in the elevator. This way people won't know what to think of you. Typically when getting into an elevator you're either keeping to yourself or sizing everyone up for an off-color comment. Considering this blog is about Monday morning complainers, we'll go with the ladder here. By rockin' the shades this person won't know if the crowd is appropriate to drop his beta "wisdom" on. He won't know if I'm staring directly into his soul or the buttons on the elevator panel. It's fair game. Seriously though, could you imagine complaining about going into work when you're sharing a moving cell with a guy rockin' these?
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3. Command The Elevator - If you sense that everyone is dragging ass and worried about how many emails they have saturating their inbox like cholesterol to the arteries of a dad-bod, what you need to do is immediately unplug your bluetooth headphones (if you're still rockin' strings, you're a NARP) and "accidentally" play an old school Thrilly promo. It's a surefire way to get the crowd going. Which one? I dunno, all of them, but usually where he talks about crushing Pre-Workout and shakin' like Michael J. Fox playin' Jenga. It keeps people on their toes and gets them alert because we all love Michael J., but then we see the visual in our heads and we "get it"... ya know ...THE JOKE. From there, it's game on, crushing excel spreadsheets and slingin' products we don't care about ... LIKE AN ABSOLUTE SAVAGE!!
This is my floor... gettin' off ... THAT WAS EASY!
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