Before you say "Oh look the Absolute Savage gang are trying to be Fashion Police!" just pump the brakes, alright? Every dude who has ever played a sport knows a uniform can either make you look like a diesel hot boy status or a dribbling soy boy bench warming crew. Guaranteed some of you will immediately get upset and say "Hey, where's the Cardinals or Angels on here?" Who's the fashion boy now, huh? Don't you know Thrillride and the Absolute Savages only and always pimp the buffest swag you've ever seen? THESE are the buffest throwbacks you've ever seen, god damn it.
First one up and I need new pants. These are electric. Truth be told, I wore this jersey on a first date and now that woman is my wife. Let's just say this jersey makes the ladies swoon. During throwback night, the Arizona outfield grandstands look like Angel Stadium with the water fountain but the gushing water is actually...just realized that joke was pretty X Rated. WHOOPS.
Holy shit, I need a pair of Thrilly Sunnies STAT. But that's not the god damn sun. That's the solar epicness of the old school Oakland unis. Not to mention the throwback hats too. Things are heating up.
Sweet Virgin Mary holy boob tassels. *Does sign of the cross*
Toronto Blue Jays
Fact: When Toronto wears these, there is a one day nuclear baby boom which results in more pregnancies than post World War II. I'm just kidding. Or am I? "SORREY, hunny, I forgot to pull out thinking of those sweet sweet threads from the BJs game. Want a Molson?"
When I was a kid, I thought of Dr. Pepper every time I saw these on a baseball card. That also allegedly might have been my first boner. Guys, GUYS, I have a wife and I am straight. But these jerseys are pure sex. Just sayin'. Pretty sure Sexual Healing was recorded because of these. Also where the term Brotherly Love started. These are all highly unlikely to be true facts but whatever. The jersey still fucks.
Okay, so technically I think this is cheating and completely unfair. STOP THE MATCH! LA should be DQed for being allowed to time travel back to this unreal hot boy status. Oh, hot boy status? What is it? If you don't know, then..ugh man..you're probably a beta. Is this what current jerseys jerk off to?
The Steelers may have 6 Super Bowls but the Pirates have these babies. If you're at a party people would choose to see/wear these over those Super Bowl rings. Guaranteed you wear this to your next Tinder date, she's letting you jog around the bases and then wearing it the next morning making you scrambies on scrambies. Or she starts doing the walk of shame in this and you stop her and yell "WAIT!" She smiles turns around and you say "I need that jersey back...thanks...bye." She may also give you the butt stuff pass when she sees the word Pirates and think the wrong thing.
I have no idea who the Pilots are. They were around in the 60s I think? Regardless, Ken Griffey Jr. wore this once and this combined with his sweet swing is unfair and qualifies as one of the wonders of the world.
Whale's Vagina Padres
These are in my top 3. B-e-a-utiful. Now if only their team didn't suck. At least the weather is stellar there.
What else is there to say? These are straight fire (10 Thousand Fire Emojis here). These would be unheard of today. I mean the Washington Bullets became the Wizards. Colts become the Astros. Soccer moms everywhere are preparing petitions and an unreasonable amount of bumper stickers to explain how these jerseys hurt their kids right now and now they all need therapy dogs and pigs to cope. But for real, these are now illegal to wear in games because everyone basically orgasms the entire time especially during a stolen base or home run. But really I love it because when I look at them all I can think of is this song:
Gorilla Out. RAH.